The language a coach uses has a significant impact and influence over the relationship and therefore the outcomes for the client. Mindful use of words helps cultivate productive, supportive, and empowering coaching conversations.
Three specific areas the coach can be aware of are:
• Inadvertently inserting their opinion into the conversation
• Making assumptions about what the client is communicating
• Denying or dismissing the client’s thoughts, ideas feelings or experiences
Inadvertently Inserting Opinions by using the word “I”
When the coach uses the word “I” in phrases such as “I think…”, “I know…”, “I find that interesting…”, “I believe…”, “I agree…” they are adding their own perspective rather than inviting the client to share or expand on theirs. This directs the conversation away from the client’s experience and makes it about the coach.
Example alternatives to using the word “I”
“I” comment:
I think that could really work.
Alternative comment:
What do you like most about that idea?
“I” comment:
I know this will be hard for you.
Alternative comment:
How are you feeling about this?
“I” comment:
I find that interesting.
Alternative comment:
What do you make of that?
“I” comment:
I believe you can do this.
Alternative comment:
What lets you know you can do this?
“I” comment:
I agree.
Alternative comment:
How does that fit with what you know?
Making Assumptions about the client’s message with the words ‘Obviously’ and ‘Clearly’
The coach may think they are hearing something that seems clear cut and that indicates the client has, for example, come to a conclusion or decision, put a great deal of energy into thinking or doing something, or has had a specific experience. When the coach uses these words, they can create subtle pressure for the client to agree or minimise their need to give the issue more attention. This can reduce the potential complexity of an issue and discourage deeper exploration.
Example alternatives to using the word ‘obviously’ or ‘clearly’:
Assumption comment:
You’ve obviously made a lot of progress.
Alternative comment:
What’s your sense of where you are with this?
Assumption comment:
It’s clear this has really affected you.
Alternative comment:
What’s your take on that?
Assumption comment:
Obviously this has been quite a surprise to you.
Alternative comment:
As you say that what comes up for you?
Assumption comment:
You’ve clearly spent time thinking about this.
Alternative comment:
Sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this – what are you noticing as you reflect on it?
Undermining the Client’s thoughts, ideas feelings, beliefs or experiences with the word ‘But’
The word ‘but’ can unintentionally invalidate, dismiss or diminish what comes before it, creating resistance or invalidating the client’s experience. For example, “From what you’ve told me your team is connected and engaged, but delegating is still an issue for you”. The second part of the sentence can overshadow the acknowledgment of the effort and success of building a connected and engaged team and draw attention to what is lacking instead.
Replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ or pausing after an acknowledgment or comment and asking an open-ended question allows for a more balanced, validating, and empowering conversation.
Alternative examples to using the word ‘but’
‘But’ comment:
I get this is hard but curious about what opportunities it offers you?
Alternative comment:
I get this is hard - what opportunities do you see in it?
‘But’ comment:
I see you've thought about this but wondering if you’ve thought about how it connects to the bigger picture?
Alternative comment:
I can see the depth of your thinking here. How does this relate to the bigger picture?
‘But’ comment:
You’ve made so much progress, but it feels like there are a few more steps.
Alternative comment:
You’ve made so much progress and what’s next for you?
‘But’ comment:
I hear this is a real struggle for you, but you’ve overcome similar situations in the past
Alternative comment:
I hear this is a real struggle for you. What helped you get through similar situations in the past?
Small shifts in language can make a big difference to the clarity, understanding, depth and collaboration of the coaching partnership.
Reflection Question
What do you notice about your language and how it might affect the trust, balance and deeper exploration by your clients?
